I mentioned in my last post my second Ketamine journey was a dud. I even suspected while I waited for the cool trippy visuals (spaceships to go over my head like they did the first time) that they gave me a placebo to see if I would still have powerful visuals but I was really just meditating. Maybe because it was twice the dose as they gave me first time I would have twice the trip, but it seemed to the opposite to be true. The overall feeling was that of being confined— I had a sensation that I was crouched inside an egg-shaped capsule and my head was pushed up right to the top. Kind of that awkward feeling when you’re waiting to exit a plane and you’ve stood up in your seat but you can’t stand upright with the overhead bin above your head.
Why is nothing happening? Why are my conscious thoughts just as loud as last time but I took twice the dose? Ok, try to get into the music, maybe that will help…try opening your eyes in the eye mask and really focus on being underwater or in space….UGH NOTHING…when is this damn session going to over? Then I think I must have nodded off. When I came to I woke up to this giant silver orb, like a metal art sculpture in front of me. It looked like ominous, like a Death Star from Star Wars. I was slowly moving closer to it and I felt hot and anxious, like I was slowly being suffocated by this evil planet.
Oh no you don’t! I’m done with this stupid trip and I have to get the fuck out of here!
I ripped the headphones and eye mask off my face, threw the blankets on the floor. It was only forty minutes into the session (they’re meant to last an hour) but I couldn’t take it anymore. Still under the influence of the Ketamine, I went for a walk around the block to shake off the feelings and then I journaled. As disappointing as it was, I also know that my reaction had everything to do with what I’m working through. Maybe the silver orb represents my fear and I’m suffocating myself by hiding out in fear.
“I didn’t want to say anything to you after your first session to influence it, but many people feel very disappointed in their second session when their first one was really powerful”, my guide explained in our conference call. That actually made me feel less alone and more excited to plan my third journey.
“No more expectations, I’m just going to experience the next one like a regular mediation session. I’m gonna be like how I was on random Okcupid dates back in the day— with my expectations on the floor. Maybe I’ll have an amazing time but I’m not counting on it,” I laughed.
Trust. Let go. Be open. That’s the mantra to embody, she told me.
3/3/2023, Ketamine Journey #3
I had the initial blastoff into space like last time which had me flying upward which felt like a fun ride, but the second my mind would wonder what was coming next I would come back down to earth and I would start to feel weight of my body again, like I was slowly suffocating. I decided to take control of the session and get conscious of my breathing. The music I chose was for deep mediation, it was a lot of long OMMMMMs and AHHHHHH chants. I could picture a ball in front of me, so I raised my hands from my sides to hold it (at least I think I did, I will set up a video camera next time to see what I’m physically doing.) I OMed and AHed with the music and it eventually started radiating though my body in waves.